Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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