were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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