im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
