im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you win again, gameday.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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