and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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