Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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