i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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