If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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