if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
