im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
