you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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