I am puke
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
