I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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