omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
