I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
