You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
