the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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