I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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