If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
