Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
