Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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