i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
