I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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