i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
