Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
