the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
