and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
