I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize