I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Blood and glitter go together right?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
