I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
