He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
