So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
