Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
