it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
