I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
