Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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