I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
