i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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