Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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