remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This is the high leading the old right now
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize