It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
