Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
