Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I want her autograph on my taint
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
