then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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