I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
