you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
