I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
