Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
