absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
