just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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