This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
