fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
