omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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