it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
