i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
