it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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