I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
