You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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