I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
