So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
