It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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