My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
