I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
