I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
